Been having a strong case of the blah's,
which is leading me to not/not want to leave my house.
I also haven't felt all that spectacular all week.
Various aches and pains with an unknown cause.
A headache that just would not quit for 4 days straight.
Now, I'm a bit lightheaded,
probably due to the fact that I haven't eaten much
courtesy of feeling shitty.
Staying in tonight,
splitting a bottle of White Zinfandel with my mother,
and playing a heated game of Trivial Pursuit.
And, I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Going out" every night is vastly overrated.
I don't need to socialize ZOMGZ every day
to feel secure in my friendships.
I'm past that phase for certain.
At this point in my life, I'd much rather just fucking relax.
I've been running around like mad for a few years now.
I felt the need to jam some social event
into every bit of free time I had,
and I'm just burned out on all of it.
It's due time to take a major break.
This is why you have not seen me in a few months, my friends.
So, if you'd like to come over and play Scrabble,
or watch a good movie,
or cook dinner with me,
or sip wine and listen to vinyl,
or have discussions,
you're more than welcome.
Otherwise, occasions of exiting my homestead,
beyond school and working,
have been and will continue to be much more seldom than prior.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I can has new glasses.I can has hot tea.
I can has Angus & Julia Stone.
I can has my furry children.
I can has over 100% in two classes,
and I can has high A's in the other two.
(NERD.)
I can has wonderful, loving friends.
I can has Anthony Bourdain's book, "The Nasty Bits."
I can has Nag Champa.
I can has a relaxing, beautiful night in.
I can has lots of blessings.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
So, I have to take four self-portraits
by Wednesday night for my Portraiture class.
I do not like this.
There is a distinct difference
between taking quirky little myspace photogs
and taking artistic, professional-quality photogs of yourself.
Add into the mix
that I do not own a cable release cord or a remote.
All of these photos must be done by pushing the button
and running into place,
which makes focusing challenging.
I enjoy being in front of the camera
when my friends and peers need a model,
but certainly not for myself.
However, I shot one of them today,
and I'm pretty proud of the result.
I call it:
"Have faith in the Blue Lady."
(This site murders it.
Click it to see the actual photog.)
One down, three to go.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
If I don't get this out, it will eat me up.
Maybe typing this out will be therapeutic.
So, in case you are in the majority and are uninformed as to this topic,
allow me to tell you what having clinical depression is like.
Hell.
I think the easiest explanation will be through metaphor.
Take your worst life experience and repeat it every single day.
Not literally or physically, of course.
Repeat it in your thoughts as if it were videotaped and played back daily.
Now, take every lesser, but still unfortunate experience and add that to the tape.
Make sure you also splice in some frames for every failure,
every hurtful word, every lost love and lost friend,
every insecurity, every instance of self-doubt, every time you've cried.
Play that tape, on incessant loop, twenty four hours a day.
Now, (and here is the fun part!) try and act as if the tape is not playing.
It is in the room and you can certainly hear it, but turn a blind eye,
immunize yourself to the tape.
Condition yourself to ignore the tape, even to deny its existence.
You're doing a pretty good job with this. "What tape?" you think.
But then, there is the slightest noise from across the room,
and startled, your eyes snap to the direction it came from.
Unfortunately, it came from the same vicinity of the room
as the television looping this torture is located in.
And there it is: you notice it again... that damned tape.
It doesn't take much, you see... just the slightest, even often unrelated occurence.
And suddenly, your eyes focus on the video,
and you have to start from scratch the process of tearing yourself away and forgetting its existence.
Although, each time, it becomes just a bit harder,
and all you wish for so deeply in your heart,
is for people to stop doing things that create a disturbance on that side of the room.
There are ways I try to habituate and eliminate the tape's constant background noise.
Firstly, I make jokes about the events on the tape,
as if I were viewing a comedy in which I just so happen to be the main character.
I tell the stories loudly and humorously and make all around me just laughlaughlaugh.
I always hope that my consequent laughter can eventually become veritable,
but it never really does.
While I am laughing with you on the outside, inside, I am cursing that damned video,
and hoping that your laughter might drone it out for a few moments.
Another method of coping is to reach out to others and show them the tape.
It's strange, but often I can't bring myself to show the tape to those I am closest to.
I don't want them to see its contents.
Frequently, I show the tape to those I don't know terribly well,
and I can't really be sure of why.
Perhaps I hope for a fresh film criticism that can change my view of the tape.
Perhaps it's just easier to be vulnerable with those whose opinions of me I am not as concerned with.
However, people are easily frightened by what they see on the tape,
and they are equally frightened with your preoccupation with it,
and they don't usually come around for a second viewing.
Another prominent option is to take these pills that aid in your ignorance of the tape.
It is excellent at first. The tape fades into obscurity and you continue onwards.
However, not long after you begin this regimine, you start habituating other things...
...in fact, you start habituating EVERYthing.
Not only are you immune to the tape, but you are immune to the room, the house, and the world outside.
You are immune to desire. You are immune to happiness. You are immune to feeling anything at all.
What a marvelous cure!
So what is one really to do but live with this parasitic cassette?
Individuals add to the footage CONSTANTLY.
As the director of the film, you begin to become oversensitive to the world around you,
and what others might not notice as being worthy of filmed or see as a passing thing,
you see as pure cinematic gold.
Into the loop it goes!
It is not in entirity the fault of the actors, for they are unknowing most times.
They don't realize that what they saw as an outtake, a minor blooper, is bound for the big screen.
And upon seeing its inclusion, they don't understand your reasoning,
and they question your credibility as a director.
So what exactly DOES one plagued by this tape need?
I have long searched for the answer to that question.
I believe I have found it, but I question the chances of ever achieving the solution.
What is really needed is for people to come over,
sit down on the couch with you, wrap their arms around you,
and watch the tape with you, holding you all the while.
After it plays through, don't get up from the couch.
Remain there and have a discussion about the tape.
Point out the hidden aspects of positivity in the footage.
Then, remove the tape from the VCR and put in a comedy.
If ever one arrives back at their friend's house and finds them sitting there,
watching that wretched tape ever again,
don't judge them for it, don't criticize, don't turn on them, and don't walk away.
Just sit down and do the same thing again that you did last time.
You'll find, with time, that you catch your friend watching the tape less and less,
and being far more proficient at ignoring its presence.
I wish I could smash the tape, but that's impossible.
I wish I could take a sledgehammer to the television set it is playing on,
but I can't do that either.
All I can do is live as best and happily as possible,
and hope that someone is willing to come over from time to time and watch it with me.
Maybe typing this out will be therapeutic.
So, in case you are in the majority and are uninformed as to this topic,
allow me to tell you what having clinical depression is like.
Hell.
I think the easiest explanation will be through metaphor.
Take your worst life experience and repeat it every single day.
Not literally or physically, of course.
Repeat it in your thoughts as if it were videotaped and played back daily.
Now, take every lesser, but still unfortunate experience and add that to the tape.
Make sure you also splice in some frames for every failure,
every hurtful word, every lost love and lost friend,
every insecurity, every instance of self-doubt, every time you've cried.
Play that tape, on incessant loop, twenty four hours a day.
Now, (and here is the fun part!) try and act as if the tape is not playing.
It is in the room and you can certainly hear it, but turn a blind eye,
immunize yourself to the tape.
Condition yourself to ignore the tape, even to deny its existence.
You're doing a pretty good job with this. "What tape?" you think.
But then, there is the slightest noise from across the room,
and startled, your eyes snap to the direction it came from.
Unfortunately, it came from the same vicinity of the room
as the television looping this torture is located in.
And there it is: you notice it again... that damned tape.
It doesn't take much, you see... just the slightest, even often unrelated occurence.
And suddenly, your eyes focus on the video,
and you have to start from scratch the process of tearing yourself away and forgetting its existence.
Although, each time, it becomes just a bit harder,
and all you wish for so deeply in your heart,
is for people to stop doing things that create a disturbance on that side of the room.
There are ways I try to habituate and eliminate the tape's constant background noise.
Firstly, I make jokes about the events on the tape,
as if I were viewing a comedy in which I just so happen to be the main character.
I tell the stories loudly and humorously and make all around me just laughlaughlaugh.
I always hope that my consequent laughter can eventually become veritable,
but it never really does.
While I am laughing with you on the outside, inside, I am cursing that damned video,
and hoping that your laughter might drone it out for a few moments.
Another method of coping is to reach out to others and show them the tape.
It's strange, but often I can't bring myself to show the tape to those I am closest to.
I don't want them to see its contents.
Frequently, I show the tape to those I don't know terribly well,
and I can't really be sure of why.
Perhaps I hope for a fresh film criticism that can change my view of the tape.
Perhaps it's just easier to be vulnerable with those whose opinions of me I am not as concerned with.
However, people are easily frightened by what they see on the tape,
and they are equally frightened with your preoccupation with it,
and they don't usually come around for a second viewing.
Another prominent option is to take these pills that aid in your ignorance of the tape.
It is excellent at first. The tape fades into obscurity and you continue onwards.
However, not long after you begin this regimine, you start habituating other things...
...in fact, you start habituating EVERYthing.
Not only are you immune to the tape, but you are immune to the room, the house, and the world outside.
You are immune to desire. You are immune to happiness. You are immune to feeling anything at all.
What a marvelous cure!
So what is one really to do but live with this parasitic cassette?
Individuals add to the footage CONSTANTLY.
As the director of the film, you begin to become oversensitive to the world around you,
and what others might not notice as being worthy of filmed or see as a passing thing,
you see as pure cinematic gold.
Into the loop it goes!
It is not in entirity the fault of the actors, for they are unknowing most times.
They don't realize that what they saw as an outtake, a minor blooper, is bound for the big screen.
And upon seeing its inclusion, they don't understand your reasoning,
and they question your credibility as a director.
So what exactly DOES one plagued by this tape need?
I have long searched for the answer to that question.
I believe I have found it, but I question the chances of ever achieving the solution.
What is really needed is for people to come over,
sit down on the couch with you, wrap their arms around you,
and watch the tape with you, holding you all the while.
After it plays through, don't get up from the couch.
Remain there and have a discussion about the tape.
Point out the hidden aspects of positivity in the footage.
Then, remove the tape from the VCR and put in a comedy.
If ever one arrives back at their friend's house and finds them sitting there,
watching that wretched tape ever again,
don't judge them for it, don't criticize, don't turn on them, and don't walk away.
Just sit down and do the same thing again that you did last time.
You'll find, with time, that you catch your friend watching the tape less and less,
and being far more proficient at ignoring its presence.
I wish I could smash the tape, but that's impossible.
I wish I could take a sledgehammer to the television set it is playing on,
but I can't do that either.
All I can do is live as best and happily as possible,
and hope that someone is willing to come over from time to time and watch it with me.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Won't you shine, shine on? Because, you're not done...
I am feeling very unmotivated and lazy.
My artistic block is perpetuating itself.
I think it's the routine I've fallen into.
Life feels like one big routine right now.
And, I'm severely bored.
I need someone or something to shake my life up a bit.
I love my friends dearly, but I believe it's time I start exploring
with some of the newer people I've met.
I feel like maybe they have some adventure or intrigue to offer.
Here it is, again.
My eternal restlessness.
My eternal need for more more more.
I also feel like I need a Penn State trip very soon.
I am missing the Happy Valley and the craziness.
I want to relearn French.
I want to find a new hobby.
I want to discover things about myself I don't yet know.
I want to travel and cover some major ground.
I want to shed old skin, lizard-like.
I mainly just want to begin growing again.
My artistic block is perpetuating itself.
I think it's the routine I've fallen into.
Life feels like one big routine right now.
And, I'm severely bored.
I need someone or something to shake my life up a bit.
I love my friends dearly, but I believe it's time I start exploring
with some of the newer people I've met.
I feel like maybe they have some adventure or intrigue to offer.
Here it is, again.
My eternal restlessness.
My eternal need for more more more.
I also feel like I need a Penn State trip very soon.
I am missing the Happy Valley and the craziness.
I want to relearn French.
I want to find a new hobby.
I want to discover things about myself I don't yet know.
I want to travel and cover some major ground.
I want to shed old skin, lizard-like.
I mainly just want to begin growing again.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
It's worth it to put up a fight...
It has been a solid few months of change pour moi.
I am evolving. I am growing.
I am coming to know myself and it is beautiful.
Allow me to reintroduce myself:
I am Lexi.
I'm an old soul.
I am not an indie rock snob, but it soothes my soul.
I'm an intellectual and deeply in love with language/vocabulary.
My room will forever be perfumed by incense.
I am in the process of quitting smoking. It is a long process.
I am probably "dressed up" by your standards every day.
It is not for you. It is for me.
I have finally summoned the courage to eliminate quite a few people from my life.
I am therefore in search of some new friends,
though I still have plenty and am fully content.
I prefer things to be kept simple,
and when they become complicated, I get easily frustrated.
There is a difference between being "laid back" and being a doormat.
I have been uptight. I have been a doormat. I have been a mixture of both.
I am now laid back.
My true self is spontaneous, untamed, and ridiculous.
It may take some time or alcohol to pull that out of me.
I drink too much coffee and waste too much time.
I don't eat animals, but I am a wonderful cook,
and I would love to cook some animals for you sometime.
I am passionate about every endeavor I take on.
I have recently accepted that I can't save the world.
I am not a slut, far from naive and doe-eyed, and not willing to settle.
Bear that in mind in attempting to date me.
If I seem to be expressing interest in you, then I am.
I'm pretty straightforward with most matters.
If I seem to be upset with you, then I am.
I'm pretty straightforward with most matters.
If you befriend me, there is no need to doubt my loyalty or devotion to you.
It is there, and I will make it known.
I am a social butterfly.
I am a complete loner.
I am both of these, simultaneously.
The duality sometimes clashes and I get restless.
I get restless often. Listless.
I get urges I can't identify frequently.
I get these callings, but to what, I am unsure of.
Occasionally, I stumble upon the right answer.
Above most other qualities, I value loyalty.
I just had all of my hair cut off. Metamorphosis.
I am often hard on myself, but I love myself.
Truly loving myself is a recent development.
I think it can only come with age.
I believe it is essential to be kind and courteous,
and become very bitter when I feel mistreated.
I have big plans. I won't let anything stand in the way of them.
I still sleep with my childhood teddy bear.
I fulfill obligations and keep my word.
I have terrible troubles with insomnia.
I have made my share of mistakes in the past and have finally learned from them.
I'm a fan of physicality, hugs, and touching.
I don't understand people who aren't.
I am attracted to enigmatic people and long to solve their puzzles,
even though deep inside, I know that I never can.
I am inquisitive. I am nosy. I long to know everything.
I want to suss out every individual on the planet.
I am Lexi.
I have changed in many ways.
Let's be friends.
I am evolving. I am growing.
I am coming to know myself and it is beautiful.
Allow me to reintroduce myself:
I am Lexi.
I'm an old soul.
I am not an indie rock snob, but it soothes my soul.
I'm an intellectual and deeply in love with language/vocabulary.
My room will forever be perfumed by incense.
I am in the process of quitting smoking. It is a long process.
I am probably "dressed up" by your standards every day.
It is not for you. It is for me.
I have finally summoned the courage to eliminate quite a few people from my life.
I am therefore in search of some new friends,
though I still have plenty and am fully content.
I prefer things to be kept simple,
and when they become complicated, I get easily frustrated.
There is a difference between being "laid back" and being a doormat.
I have been uptight. I have been a doormat. I have been a mixture of both.
I am now laid back.
My true self is spontaneous, untamed, and ridiculous.
It may take some time or alcohol to pull that out of me.
I drink too much coffee and waste too much time.
I don't eat animals, but I am a wonderful cook,
and I would love to cook some animals for you sometime.
I am passionate about every endeavor I take on.
I have recently accepted that I can't save the world.
I am not a slut, far from naive and doe-eyed, and not willing to settle.
Bear that in mind in attempting to date me.
If I seem to be expressing interest in you, then I am.
I'm pretty straightforward with most matters.
If I seem to be upset with you, then I am.
I'm pretty straightforward with most matters.
If you befriend me, there is no need to doubt my loyalty or devotion to you.
It is there, and I will make it known.
I am a social butterfly.
I am a complete loner.
I am both of these, simultaneously.
The duality sometimes clashes and I get restless.
I get restless often. Listless.
I get urges I can't identify frequently.
I get these callings, but to what, I am unsure of.
Occasionally, I stumble upon the right answer.
Above most other qualities, I value loyalty.
I just had all of my hair cut off. Metamorphosis.
I am often hard on myself, but I love myself.
Truly loving myself is a recent development.
I think it can only come with age.
I believe it is essential to be kind and courteous,
and become very bitter when I feel mistreated.
I have big plans. I won't let anything stand in the way of them.
I still sleep with my childhood teddy bear.
I fulfill obligations and keep my word.
I have terrible troubles with insomnia.
I have made my share of mistakes in the past and have finally learned from them.
I'm a fan of physicality, hugs, and touching.
I don't understand people who aren't.
I am attracted to enigmatic people and long to solve their puzzles,
even though deep inside, I know that I never can.
I am inquisitive. I am nosy. I long to know everything.
I want to suss out every individual on the planet.
I am Lexi.
I have changed in many ways.
Let's be friends.
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