Photography has entirely consumed me.

I am living, eating, breathing it.

I was told that when I hit this point, I would produce good work.

I have seen vast improvements in the quality of my photographs since I made the conscious decision to lower my defenses to its advances.

I am going to continue learning, progressing, growing,

as I still have so very much of that to do.

Here is some of my recent work:

What's the answer to 99 out of 100 questions?

I'm not one for admitting vulnerability, especially in the public sphere... but, here goes nothin'.

I'm scared. Actually, "scared" really doesn't do this state of mind justice. I don't know if there really is a word in existence to suit this. For months, I've been exhausted, anxious, petrified, and listless, all rolled into one fun little package. There is this big, ominous cloud floating over my head, and I'm just staring at it... knowing that quite soon it'll burst and pour down on me.

Money. That's what this all boils down to. Why is it EVERYTHING? As altruistic as one may be, as much as one says it's not of importance... it IS... there's absolutely no denying that fact.

Let's take a look at my position, here.
TRUTH: I've spent the past four years of my life working only a few days a week and filling in the gaps with funding from my student loans, spending a great deal of my time focusing on school. I live at home with my parents, not paying rent or utilities. They pay my car insurance bill. They pay my phone bill. I'm on my father's health insurance plan, which he pays. If I'm going to keep my grades up and succeed scholastically, this is how things have to be. I feel utterly worthless.

What am I going to do two years (or less) from now when the storm comes? How can I possibly survive? How can I even hope to make enough money when it's time to pay for all of these things PLUS a massive student loan payment? So, here I am, just staring at all of this looming over me... terrified. I find no comfort in cliches that I'll "make it because everybody does." Shenanigans. I'm calling shenanigans on that one.

I feel very stuck and frightened, as if I'm living my life balled up in a corner waiting for the fatal blow to be delivered. The world owes me nothing. No money is going to fall from the sky into my lap simply because I'm a good person or I "try my best."

Ahhhhhh....fuck.

Listened to this song probably about 50 times over the course of the past week.
Also, Lapse and Gift of Paralysis have gotten ample plays.

I will forever appreciate this band and album.

This would NEVER happen in real life.

Thanks, Photoshop!

Thrown together for my digital editing class.

Lapse.

This is somewhat along the lines of what my thoughts resemble presently.

I hate my brain.

It hates me more, sometimes.

Dear Self,

You should try putting less of the following things into your body:

- cigarettes
- calories (in general)
- cups of coffee
- alcoholic beverages
- fishies (they're animals too, ya hypocrite!)

You should try putting more of the following things into your body:

- fruits and veggies
- H20 sans sugars and flavorings
- proteins
- vitamins (forgotten on the shelf)

You should try to spend less time doing the following:

- watching bad VH1 reality TV
- worrying and/or overthinking
- procrastinating
- staying awake all night

You should try to spend more time doing the following:

- writing/photoshopping
- staying on top of tasks
- getting full, restful nights of sleep
- exercising


Just some helpful suggestions!
Love,
Lexi

Puff puffing on my 13th of the day (quit!) and thoughts of you are dancing in my head restless but in a good way with permagrin on my visage and the next 48 hours cannot fly by quickly enough. I cannot put into words how inexplicably wonderous this all is to me like the freshest of starts like a rebirth of sorts bringing rushing feelings sensations so terribly caked with dust up on the highest shelf of the bookcase. Exploring previously uncharted collarbones featherlight pressing of lips onto shoulders and cheeks intertwining appendages legs grip-slip yours with each readjustment and repositioning slide back. Can I set up a home of my own in your bed (?) so that I never have to leave it complete with necessary amenities of which you are the greatest. Erase and Rewind the past and start writing a new chapter of this novel with me simultaneous rebirths open up your heart toussle my hair incessantly. Haven't lustedtrusted like this in a long time frozen closed-off heart iron curtain melting coming down crumbling to ashes to ashes we all fall down. I am falling. I am fallingfallingfalling and freed and comforted and exhilirated by your customer service voice and subsequent commentary&kisses&arms. Afraid but hopeful but terrified but ecstatic but worried but comfortable but not too comfortable but so so so comfortable.