Can't focus. Can't sleep. Can't focus.
That song from the past just won't leave me alone.
Plagues. A pox upon me.
Yet, I hit repeat over and over with fervor.
I prolong the agony. I will it to be.
I need this. I fucking need this.
It's not masochism, for this is not pleasurable.
I need the pain to feel alive right now,
to remind, to forget, to hold on, to let go, to let go, to let go,
LET GO.

Tonight, the bottle's just for me,
not for us or for three.
LET GO.

Culture. I have it.
It possesses me as I possess it.
Too much. Too worldly. Too soon.
LET GO.

How I've aged in just a year.
No surprise.
When these things happen, we must grow up.
Adult dealings turn one into an adult,
especially when forced upon one rapidly,
simultaneously, all at once, incessantly, powpowpow.
LET GO.

Looploop the song goes.
My head pounds.
My heart pounds.
My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
LET GO.
LET GO.
LET GO.

Such options presented themselves to me in that moment!
[Perhaps tootootoo numerous. So spoiled am I.]

Some news-worthy/prison-worthy:
Obviously I did not opt for those;
I doubt they'd let me blog behind bars.
The acceleration would have felt exhilirating, though,
the revving and roaring of my blue death machine!

Some shameless/troublesome:
Which, also were not selected,
though they frantically raced in circles 'round my brain,
like lab rats in a maze.
To verbalize just one sentiment would have brought shallow satisfaction,
momentary, fleeting, and ultimately hollow.
But, quickquick my neurons silenced my loosened lips.
No ships were sunk. Though, you sunk my battleship,
& 'twould have been a fair trade.

In this split-second explosion of
contradictory thoughts & weighing of consequence,
what was chosen seems to be a trend:
LAUGHTER.
It was all that could be done in a moment of such irony and power.
Oh, the power I held.
Oh, the choices I had.
Oh, the places you'll go.
But, you'll go nowhere.
Oh, the places I'll go while you rot.
You are the living dead and I, the vibrant.
My power over you extends far past that moment;
it is life-long and infinite, as is your failure and mediocrity.
It was the best choice, after all.
LAUGHTER.
LAUGHTER.
LAUGHTER.
LAUGHTER.