Forfeit.

I'm resuming my hermitage.
I've had enough of the outside world for quite a while.

I tried.
I honestly did.
But, it's been a terrible month.
So, I turn tail until further notice.

I've got to admit, it's getting better, a little better all the time.

'Tis the time of year to be thankful.
People seem to forget about Thanksgiving anymore.
It has become a speed-bump on Christmas road,
and nothing more than an excuse to over-eat and watch football.
Every Thanksgiving, I make it a point to really think about what I'm thankful for,
and I post it in my current journal.
So, let's get started on this year's list.

What Is Lexi Thankful For?:

1) I just got off of the phone with Aaron a few moments ago. I'm so extremely thankful for so many things in regards to Aaron. I am thankful for him entering my life and remaining a very important part of it, despite the eternally vast distance between us. I am so relieved and thankful for Aaron's safe return from all of his deployments to Iraq. And, lastly, I am so thankful that he has found a wonderful girl that makes him happy after all that he has had to go through.

2) I am thankful for being blessed enough to have met Sam. I don't know what I would do without this woman. I view Sam as a guardian angel of sorts... She keeps my head on straight, tells things like they are, and has become one of the best friends I could ever hope for. Any time that I get down on myself or need to get away, I know that Sam will be at Denny's within minutes for hours of coffee, conversation, and therapy.

3) I am thankful for They Will Rock You and the fabulous Mary for giving me the opportunity of a lifetime. I am living out my dream courtesy of Mary's inviting me to become a part of the staff and patience with me [sometimes, it takes me forever to turn in interviews/photos after I take them, due to my hectic schedule and lack of free time]. I am thankful for every musician that I have met during the course of this incredible year. I am especially thankful for those who treated me with a great deal of kindness: Anberlin, Family Force 5, and matt pond PA. I am thankful for Stephen Christian's email correspondence, "Chapstique's" support, and matt pond PA's companionship. I am thankful for Dennis from Flogging Molly telling me that I had given him the best interview he had ever done. I am thankful for the gentlemen of Biffy Clyro for being so modest and flattered regarding the fact that I had been a fan for years. I am thankful for Switchfoot's invitation to their After-show gathering, despite my lack of an "After-show" pass. I am thankful, I am thankful, I am so fucking thankful.

4) I am thankful for all of the local bands that gave me the opportunity to photograph them while I was on my path to discovering what I wanted to do with my life. I look back upon those terrible photographs I took and feel so blessed for the support of those along the way. I am thankful for Monument the Ghost allowing me to take my first set of promotional photographs. I am thankful for O' Captain My Captain's use of my low-quality live shots. Yes, I am even thankful for Cloverleaf's use of my promotional photographs for so long.

5) I am thankful for my relationship with Justin. Despite all of the pain and unhappiness, it was the greatest learning experience of my life. I look back upon it as a "what-not-to-do" of sorts and a lesson in what not to stand for in a relationship. It enabled me to see and learn everything that I do NOT want in a relationship and made me a much stronger person. It gave me the security to realize that I do not NEED a significant other to be happy and granted me the ability to enjoy the pleasure of my own company. It gave me the ability to say that I will not simply settle and am fine on my own. It was an awakening to the fact that I had centered my world around one person and neglected the things and people that truly mattered.

6) I am thankful for my parents and their support in my various decisions and actions. When I was drunk at 4 in the morning last October and called my mother bawling from Penn State about how miserable I was and how much I wanted to be home at the moment, but there were no Greyhounds leaving any time soon, she hopped right in the car and made the 3-hour drive to come get me. I am thankful in their support of my decision to abandon traditional school for the Art Institute and pursue a career with zero job security. I am thankful for their putting up with my residence-hopping and always welcoming me back to their house when needed. I am thankful for their love and for their advice. I am thankful for their always being right, but scarcely using the phrase "I told you so." There is so much about them that I could express thanks for that it would take a formal essay to do so.

7) I am thankful for the wonderful people who have become a part of my life this year through different means and circumstances. I am thankful for all of the Art Institute-ers who have become true friends. I am thankful for the residents of the South Side: Paul, Rocker Dan, Trevor, the Mission Street-ers, the Youngs Tavern regulars... all of whom, whether beknownst to them or not, helped me through a very rough patch of my life simply by way of keeping me smiling. I am thankful for the wonderful people of Hot Metal BFC for leaving me with such inner peace every time I left their presence. I am thankful for my coworkers at Macy's who I am just beginning to get to know.

8) I am thankful for the many people who have attempted to help me with my career this past year. I am thankful for Brian Goff's support. I am thankful for the La Fond gallery for using their connections in New York to try and get me settled. I am thankful for Scott Spangler's support, criticism, etc. in my photojournalistic endeavors. I am thankful for Faceless International for trying their damndest to get me included in one of their charitable missions as the trip's photographer. I am thankful for the various PR firms that continuously extend offers my way.

9) I am thankful for the people that have remained a valuable part of my life throughout the years. I am thankful for Kimber, Chris, Steph, Heather, Sarah, and anyone else from childhood that has remained a close friend. I am thankful for the people I have met in my part-time-job-hopping that have become some of the dearest friends I could hope for. I am thankful for everyone at Denny's for still treating me as if I work there. I am thankful for everyone from Panera for staying in my life, despite their status as "mutual friends" of myself and Justin, and not allowing that to get in the way. I am thankful for the people I met at Penn State that have stayed close friends of mine: Brennan, Sabina, Paulina, etc. I am especially thankful to those three for keeping me sane and staying true to me when so many simultaneously turned their backs on me. I am thankful for all the people that I met through other means that have stood the test of time: Ana Sofia, Seany, Corey, etc. And, as lame as this may sound, I'm thankful to my various "interweb" friends, mainly livejournal, who have provided unbiased input and opinions on my goings-on, some of whom I have exchanged the aforementiond with for years.


I have to go shower and get ready for tonight,
so we'll put a "to be continued" on this....


And, as a side note,
I am so very sorry for all of those affected by the death of Candice Killinger. I spent last night with some of her closest friends, and their sorrow deeply touched me, and took me back to the various times in my life when I was affected by the loss of someone dear to me. I'm certain that wherever she is, she knows how much all of you loved her [and still do].

I Concur.

The nickel dropped when I was on my way beyond the Rubicon
What did I do?
And of the games that I can handle,
None are ones worth the candle
What can I do?
I'm a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
What should I do?
Oh, after all the folderol and hauling over coals stops
What will I do?
Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I've had one
Where did I learn?
I make a fuss about a little thing
The rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn?
I don't want a home, I'd ruin that
Home is where my habits have a habitat
Why give it a turn?
Oh, after all the folderol and hauling over coals stops
What did I learn?
I am likely to miss the main event if I stop to cry or complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damned breeze dry my face
Oh, mister, wait until you see what I'm gonna be
I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree
Here's coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me

- Fiona Apple

Run. Run. Run.

stir-cra·zy /ˈstɜrˌkreɪzi/
Pronunciation Key - [stur-krey-zee]
–adjective Slang.

1. Restless or frantic because of confinement, routine, etc.
2. Mentally ill because of long imprisonment.
3. The way Lexi feels when she's in Pittsburgh.



My travels and temporary escapes spoil me.
I have returned from the Happy Valley to routine living.

Wake up. Make coffee. Make eggs and toast. Eat said eggs and toast. Smoke cigarette. Shower. Dress self. Drive downtown. Smoke two cigarettes during drive. Park in garage closest to the Art Institute. Walk to building. Attend class. Smoke break. Return to class. Mitchell's for late lunch [garden salad and coffee...occasionally fried mozzerella appetizer]. Attend class. Return to garage. Pay for parking. Retrieve car. Drive back to suburbs. Arrive at work [typically about 5 minutes late]. Work. Break [normally consists of Au Bon Pain coffee and 2 cigarettes]. Return to work. Close register. Drive home. Key in door. Take off coat. Make dinner. Eat aforementioned dinner. Make tea. Change clothing. Make more tea. Basement. Homework. Paint. Make more tea. Paint. Photoshop. Make more tea. [Cigarettes all throughout the previous actions post-entrance into basement.] Do laundry. Go upstairs. Get in bed. Read until overcome by sleep. Repeat.

Sadly, the slightest deviation from routine excites me...
...such as the nights Sam and I go to Denny's, drink coffee, smoke, and conversate.
[Typically on Wednesdays/Thursdays... so, that's actually pretty routine, as well.]

I go stir crazy within days of returning to the 'Burgh.
I want more adventures, unpredicatability, and craziness.
As I've said over and over again, at heart, I'm entirely too nomadic.
This city bores me.
Its soil is not foreign.
I have experienced it for far too long, and it is time to move on.
This next year or two until I get my degree and am set free is going to pass by so slowly. I will be like an animal set free from its cage... I will not be able to flee this city fast enough.