Everything In Its Right Place...

She tenderly hung her collage on the wall, careful to ensure that it remained uncreased. This collage consisted of photographs with her boyfriend, frozen memories. Smiles plastered across their faces in each one, I couldn't help but wonder the reality of it all. My focus shifted to their eyes, which I studied like textbooks, desperately searching for some iota of sorrow or suppressed emotion, but I found none. I envied their seemingly-genuine contentment to the point of resentment. I wanted to tear it from the wall and shout to all those in hearing range that temporaryism is real; it is love that is an illusion.

Jaded. The moment of realization came. The walls of my heart have caved in upon themselves, sealing the entrance to its cavernous depths. Though I have long since let go of him, I had yet to let go of the idea of him. While I loathe him and still remain unable to forgive him for all that he has done, I have nothing but sorrow at the loss of what he represented. I do not miss his presence in my bed, but I miss there being a warm body to press me against his while we drift off into dreams of the other. Yet, how can I expect to ever start anew if I keep the entrance to my heart sealed off in mourning?



"It is going to take leaving all of him behind. And I mean all. The more you hang on him, the more you end up hanging yourself on the rope he leaves behind."
[I hope you don't mind my quoting you. And, you couldn't be more correct.]


As I was driving this evening, I passed the location of our first kiss...the old abandoned hospital up the street. However, months ago, construction finally began upon the site. I had not had the opportunity to see it since. When I looked at the ever-so-familiar skyline tonight, it had changed vastly. There was no hospital to be found...just a pile of ash and rubble. And so the memories must become to me. I shall grab the ashes, handful by handful, and toss them into the wind, freeing them and simultaneously freeing myself from the noose constricting my breathing. Ash suffocates, and so it must be scattered to dance in the air and land where it may. Only then may I once again breathe deeply the pure air of the dawn, the cool air of the night.


"Earth to earth; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him and give him peace."

Be gracious unto him, as his soul is heavy with sin. I beg of your mercy to be gracious unto mine, as I also feel the weight of sin upon my shoulders.

From this moment on, I shall continue without the noose upon my neck, and leave behind my executioner. Breathe, Lexi...because, now, at long last, you can.